Scared to Let the Poop Out
Potty training a child can be a challenging time for parents.
I know. We have two children who are now ages 13 and 15. Both were very different when it came to potty training. One evening, when we were in the midst of the potty-training life, Jami and I, and the child who will remain nameless, were at a very nice optical boutique. The nameless child asked to go potty. (We say pee in our household, but we’re trying to keep it classy here.) As the nameless child sat down, the child said they couldn't go because the poop was blocking the pee (at this point, it had been THREE days since the child last went poop in their pull-up).
Then, five minutes later, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the nameless child running and hopping through the store while holding their butt screaming, "I HAVE TO GO POOOOOP!" Ding ding ding. Can you say, "turtle head?"
So I scooped the child up and took them to the bathroom where the child yelled and screamed about how they didn't want to poop on the potty. I then said that the poop was going to come out whether they wanted it to or not, and to just poop it out and everything would be just fine. So, the child did. And the pee came out that was “blocked” by the poop earlier, which splashed off the rim of the toilet and onto my glasses (which is another post on its own). I think you have to be a parent to be able to look past the piss on your face to cheer for your three-year old who purposely pooped on the potty for the first time. This will probably be a life lesson to be learned even in the teenage years.
So, as I'm thinking and laughing and telling people this story, it hit me. Why was the nameless child so scared to do something new? Something that is good. It's not like it was going to hurt the child or kill the child. But the nameless child was so scared.
Maybe they were scared of change.
Maybe this signified to the child they were going from baby to big boy or girl.
Maybe they were scared of the unknown.
Maybe they were scared of what people would think of them.
And as I thought about the nameless child and the struggle to poop on the potty, I couldn't help but connect his/her crap to my crap... why am I scared to start something new? Why am I scared to tell people? Maybe I'm scared of change. Maybe I'm scared of the unknown. Maybe I'm scared of what people will think of me. Starting something is good. It's new. It's cool and exciting. If we're honest, a lot of us have been struggling with what the nameless child has been going through… Change.
During this time of quarantine and global shutdown, now might be the perfect time to pivot. Now might be the time to change things up. Maybe it’s a change in a job situation. Maybe it’s trying something new. But fear grips us all at times… from the three year old potty training… to the 43 year old getting back to his roots… to the 68 year old knowing that God is calling them to a life change. Fear of change can hold you. Check this out:
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 1st John 4:4
In other words, God is greater than the giants you face.
In the end, it took the nameless child trusting his/her daddy telling him/her that it will be ok to poop on the potty… trusting that it will be cool and exciting and sa-weet and good. And, I've got to get to that place too... to trust my daddy... my Abba. And I think I'm finally there… most days. Thanks to the nameless child for the perfect illustration.
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17: 7-8
Life Change: Trust vs. Authority
"Because I said so."
I love AND hate that tactic. I love it because it reminds me of my childhood and the many times it was said to me by my mom, dad, teachers, coaches and parents of friends. I hate it because, well, it's a lazy form of communication that adults use to exert their authority.
I've actually caught myself mid-sentence getting ready to say the exact same phrase to my kids. Then I stopped and thought, "Todd, you're an idiot." This tactic in authority may work to get a five year old to clean up his toys. It may work for a coach who's told his players to run laps. It may work for a moment... but that's it... for One. Short. Moment. The authoritative works in the short-term moments.
But, true life-change in an individual isn't inspired by someone's authority - for the most part. It's inspired by a person's trust they have in the other person trying to make their life better.
The question then becomes, why do pastors, parents, coaches - adults, use the authoritative approach to try to cause life-change in a person? We think, students need to change because of our position, age, experiences. We think students need to just take our word for it because of our authority. Why do we use this approach? Because it's easy. You see, it's not that our age, experiences or positions are bad or evil. Using our authority isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it becomes a bad thing - it becomes useless, if that is all we use. However, those things become tools if they are applied in a relationship of trust between us and the person we are trying to help. So, then, the next question becomes (and this is the coolest question), what the heck does this type of approach look like? Check this out:
"The Word became flesh and blood and moved into our neighborhood." John 1v14
Jesus is the perfect example. He literally had all the authority in the world. He could have simply said, "Follow me because I said so." And everyone would have had to follow him. He had the position. He had the experiences. But he chose a different way of bringing about life change... he brought it in by developing a relationship of trust with those he came in contact with. Check this out:
1. Jesus met people where they are at... "Passing along, Jesus saw a man at his work collecting taxes. Jesus said, 'Come along with me.' Matthew stood up and followed him."Matthew 9v9 - In other words, I want to be where you are. I care enough about you to go to where you live, breathe and operate.
2. Jesus also connected with people through personal touch..."A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, 'Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.' Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man." Matthew 8v2, 3 -He's communicating that he cares enough to touch someone considered untouchable. He's stating, you're worth something. You matter.
3. Jesus also let people fail... "Then Jesus told them, 'Before the night's over, you're going to fall to pieces because of what happens to me...' Peter broke in, 'Even if everyone else falls to pieces on account of you, I won't.' 'Don't be so sure,' Jesus said. 'This very night, before the rooster crows up the dawn, you will deny me three times.'" Matthew 26v31-34 - In other words, guys, you're going to fail. Not just a little. But a lot. Jesus could have stopped them from failing. But he didn't. He allowed them to experience failure. Not because he enjoyed watching them fail. No. I believe it's because he wanted to let them experience his love despite their failure.
4. Jesus also loved people through their failure... "After breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?' 'Yes, Master, you know I love you.' Jesus said, 'Feed my lambs.' He then asked a second time, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me?' 'Yes, Master, you know I love you.' Jesus said, 'Shepherd my sheep.' Then he said it a third time: 'Simon, son of John, do you love me?' Peter was upset that he asked for the third time, so he answered, 'Master, you know everything there is to know. You've got to know that I love you...' Then Jesus commanded, 'Follow me.'" John 21v15-19 - Despite Peter outright denying any connection to Jesus, probably Peter's biggest failure, Jesus loved him through it. What a huge trust-building gesture - saying, even though you've failed, I still love you. I still see value in you. You still matter.
Un-believ-able. Jesus, who had all authority in heaven and on earth, inspired people to life-change through trust-building relationships with a personal touch rather than relying on his authority only. Why? Because it was out of love.
Now it's our turn.
Some Things Students Secretly Want You to Know
In case you haven't noticed, kids and students are an interesting group.
I've worked with students and their families for nearly 23 years. Students are particularly good at putting up a front - letting you see what they want you to see. As parents, youth workers, etc. it's our job to see past that front.
While there is a danger of stereotyping every student, or clumping every student together when making a list like this, as I've looked past the many fronts of many different students. These are some of the things that students secretly want you to know as you interact with them:
I am more than the style I represent
Even though I buck authority, I want your approval
It means a lot when you encourage me
I have gifts and abilities now to make a difference in the world today
I have dreams and visions for what I want to do with my life
There are times where I am confused and really want your help even though I say I don't
I need you to set an exceptional example to follow
The words you say to me have the power to direct the direction of my life
Even though I pretend not to, I do notice the little things you do
I want someone to believe in
I want someone to believe in me
Even though I don't always like it, I do want you to hold me accountable
I want someone to challenge me to greatness
Even though I put up a front, I want you to work to get to know the real me
These are just a few. There are more. As I write and read these words, I'm picturing moments in my own kids lives where I know I forgot about the above. If you have kids, or work with kids, let this be a reminder as you walk with them each day.
Now it's your turn. What are other things that students secretly want us to know about them. Ready. Set. Comment.
If the Shoe Fits
I remember when Morgan would walk around in her mommy’s shoes like this. She’d go to our closet. Dig in our shoes. And pull out the tallest high heels to put on. She’d sit there on the floor, with the high heels on and then crawl to the bed to pull herself up.
She could walk in them ok… especially for a two year old. But she would still stumble and fall because they just didn’t fit.
But, when she would put her own shoes on, she was on. She would run. Jump. DANCE. Cause she found her fit. She found shoes that fit her. Sure, she would stumble and fall here and there, but not in the same way.
Prior to starting Savvy, I’ve worked with students and families for 23 years and continue with my own teenagers (did I just say that? I have teenager(s)… not just one, but two!?) Anyway… during those 23 years it was always my goal to help them find what fits when it came to their life, their relationships, their interests, etc. To help them find what they’re gifted in and run with it. It’s what makes my heart beat fast. It’s one of the things I still love to do.
It’s actually a challenge that all of us face… to find what fits. To discover what we’re gifted at and run with it. It’s a lifelong journey and it’s one of the most exciting adventures we could go on.
I’ve decided to keep adventuring and journaling about students and parenting. This will be one of the spaces that I’ll share my thoughts, tips and what I’ve been learning in my own life as it relates to the above. Hope you’ll follow along.
Can’t wait to get started!
P.S. Now, Morgan is 13 now… her feet… well… they now fit in her mom’s shoes.